Many parents are unsure how to talk about the death of a pet with their children. Children often have not experienced death and loss before, and many do not yet understand permanence. Fortunately, there are some pet loss experts — and many helpful books — that can help families cope with the death of a beloved pet.
As a veterinarian and mother of four, Dr. Stephanie Nelson has had a lot of experience with losing pets – and how to talk to kids about it. Her children, who range in age from 2 to 11 years old, are used to having several dogs at a time, and many of those dogs join their families as adults. “My children have experienced the loss of many pets. “My kids understand that dogs don’t live forever, and we’re open to discussion about the fact that they’re going to see all of their pets die at some point,” Nelson said.
While the death of a pet is always painful, there are some strategies and tips that can help children navigate their feelings. Here, Nelson and others share how to help children cope with the loss of a pet, including how to talk about their grief and what to do to help them cope with the painful and confusing feelings
How to talk to children about the death of a pet
Whether you’re preparing children to say goodbye to a beloved pet or sharing an unexpected loss, there are a few things to keep in mind as you explain the situation.
Be honest about what’s going on
Some of the language adults use to soften the blow of a pet’s death can be confusing for children, says Colleen O’Brien, a licensed social worker and the founder of BLUE dog Counseling. Phrases like “put to sleep” or “cross the rainbow bridge” make sense to adults because we’re used to hearing them. For children, those phrases are confusing and often scary, O’Brien says.
“Start with fewer details. You can always build from there based on their questions. Young people are good investigative reporters.”
— Colleen O’Brien, licensed social worker
“We say they’re dead or they’re going to die, and that means they’re not going to wake up or their body’s not going to work. And they’re not going to be with us,” she offers instead. She says to keep it as simple as possible. “Start with less details. You can always work from there based on their questions,” he added. “Young people are great inquisitive reporters.”
Help children understand the process
Jana DeCristofaro, the community response program coordinator at The Dougy Center: The National Grief Center for Children and Families, said pet euthanasia in particular can be difficult for children to understand. “It’s different than when we talk to kids about someone in our lives dying. As adults, you often make the decision in collaboration with a veterinarian to help end a pet’s life, and We’ve never done that to people.”
There are a few simple scripts that DeCristofaro says are helpful for parents to use:
- “When our pet is terminal and suffering, we need to help end their suffering.”
- “The doctor will give Franklin medicine, just for animals, and that medicine will let them die peacefully and without pain.”
DeCristofaro also recommends The Dougy Center’s guide to helping children cope with the death of a pet, created in conjunction with Debra Lee, the director of veterinary health at DoveLewis Emergency Animal Hospital.
Offer reassurance
Letting children know that euthanasia is a choice because of suffering helps them process the intentional act of ending a pet’s life. Clarifying that the medicine is only for animals can ease fears. It is important to reiterate that the pet will not feel anything when they pass away.
Helping children cope with the death of a pet
Although some children experience the loss of a loved one tragically early in life, for most children, the death of a pet is their first experience of grief and loss. The skills they use to navigate the loss of the family dog are part of a foundation that will help them handle other losses throughout their lives — think of it as an opportunity to add to their emotional toolkit.
Viewing the death of a pet as a form of grief is actually a relatively new way to look at it, O’Brien said. “Pet loss only started to be recognized in the 80s,” he said. “They’re like, ‘Hey, folks, we’ve missed so many forms of grief.'” The death of a pet can affect children — and adults — in the same way that losing a family member can. human family, so it’s important to recognize how important it is to your children. Here are some expert suggestions to help them deal with it.
1. Make room for complex emotions
It’s important to recognize that children process grief at different ages, O’Brien said. “The question I get a lot is, ‘My little one gets really upset, and then the next minute they’re playing with their dolls. Is there something wrong with them that they didn’t register it properly?'” Splitting grief is really common among children, she says.They can grieve for a short period of time and then seem unconcerned.
For older children, tweens and beyond, parents may see more classic signs of loneliness. “They’re aware enough to know that death is permanent,” O’Brien says, “but they haven’t had much experience with permanence, so they resist that.” She says tweens and older children are the age group that often become very quiet or even angry at times while grieving.
2. Let the children take the lead
When children are dealing with grief and loss, all experts say it’s better to let them take the lead in processing their feelings. Offer basic information and answer follow-up questions. “As a parent you have your children in front of you, and your biggest priority is their well-being,” DeCristofaro said. “Our greatest instinct is to protect our children from disease.” However, that instinct can also prevent them from saying goodbye and feeling what it means to grieve. If your pet’s death was not sudden and there is a chance to say goodbye, offer it to your children. If they say no, don’t insist.
“I think it’s good to have rituals with kids when they lose a pet. We spread some of the ashes in that dog’s favorite spot.”
—Dr. Stephanie Nelson, veterinarian
3. Create a goodbye ritual to help ease the pain
When one of their dogs shows signs of aging or a terminal illness, Nelson said they use realistic language to explain what’s going on. If they know when death will happen, they prepare the children and follow the same rituals each time.
“First we destroy the dog. Each of our dogs gets a whole Happy Meal that the kids feed them,” she said. They let the kids say goodbye, but don’t let them witness the euthanasia. The family also keeps photos of beloved dogs on the shelves in their house. Children often stop by to look at them and share a treat or two, which Nelson thinks is helpful for them. “I think it’s good to have rituals with children when they lose a pet. We scattered some of the ashes in that dog’s favorite place,” he said.
4. Consider censoring certain parts of your pet’s death
Some children may ask if they will see the pet euthanized or see them after they die. “Most people don’t bring younger children to a euthanasia and instead choose to say goodbye at home,” Nelson said of young children. Some tweens and teens ask to come along, and she advises being honest about what they’ll see. “Some children don’t want to be the last to see their pet after it passes away; it’s often easier for them to just remember the pet being alive and at home,” she said.
As for looking at ashes or other debris, that’s another decision to let the child make once you’ve given them all the information. Explain that their pet will not look like they remember — ashes will look like a small pile of bones and dust, and a dead pet will be cold and hard. O’Brien says it’s better to wait until the child asks, than to offer.
5. Practice bibliotherapy
All experts love bibliotherapy, or the art of using books to process emotions. They recommend the following books to help children deal with the death of a pet:
Nelson adds that for older children and teens, any book on grief is helpful, even if it’s not pet-specific — children make mental connections as they get older.
When to get a new pet after a loss
When to get a new pet? That’s another great place to let the kids take charge, although it’s important to make sure the whole family is on board with adding another animal. Some families find that getting a new pet quickly helps children shift their focus from the loss, while others need more time to get ready. Both options are normal and acceptable.
Many children worry that their dead pet will resent a new pet. “We ask, ‘What would your pet think if you gave another pet a loving home and took care of them?'” O’Brien said. “Most kids say, ‘Well, they want I’ll do that.’”
The bottom line
Losing a pet is one of the most difficult experiences a family can go through. But, with the right preparation and openness to discuss big feelings, it can also be a foundational moment in a child’s life where they learn how to navigate grief and loss. As you navigate a loss, don’t forget to talk to your vet, too. Many are experienced in helping families navigate the death of a pet and can be a great source of support.
